


Somewhere Only We Know

by clandestine_xo, luminfics



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: LuMin - Relationship, M/M, XiuHan - Relationship, luminfics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-23
Updated: 2017-06-23
Packaged: 2018-11-05 14:38:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11015448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clandestine_xo/pseuds/clandestine_xo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/luminfics/pseuds/luminfics
Summary: If there's one thing I regret in life, it was letting you go. I'm sorry it's taken me this long to find you. But I'm here now, and I'm telling you I need you.





	Somewhere Only We Know

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [Luminfics](https://luminfics.dreamwidth.org/11457.html).
> 
> I had meant for this to be longer, but life got in the way. Maybe one day I'll expand it, or maybe not. I hope I did the prompt some justice anyway.

_You can’t keep doing this! Do you know how much it costs to keep your name out of the dirt sheets? Whatever your problem is, get it fixed. Now!_

A humorless chuckle rumbles from his chest as he thinks back to his most recent lecture. It wasn’t the first time he was hearing it, and it sure wouldn’t be the last. If he wanted to live life in wild abandon, so be it. He’d still make the best songs, win all the awards, and rake in money that the company wanted from him. That’s what they wanted from the start anyway.

He stands, staggering slightly with the drinks in his system, before making his way over to what many call his pride and joy. One wall of his penthouse apartment had become an homage to his career. From record certifications to industry awards, this was his life in a nutshell. Eight years summarized by a wall of recognitions he couldn’t bring himself to care about. Not anymore.

_Eight years as a solo artist is a big feat for any idol and you’ve managed to remain on top for every comeback. What’s your secret?_

Back then, he had something to prove. Back then, he was a foreigner trying to make it in an unfamiliar land. Back then, he wanted to be the best and feel deserving of what he had. Now, he still struggles in figuring out when all his goals changed.

_You’re turning 28 this year, do you have any thoughts of settling down?_

Even when he knew that the question was coming, it still had him stumped. There was a time when he dreamed about being married and having a kid by the time he turned 28. Maybe have 2 or 3 cats, too. But one day he woke up a completely different man and loathing his entire existence because of it.

The ringing of his cellphone pulls him out of his reverie. He had half a mind to dismiss the call, thinking it was just his manager calling to nag again. But a quick look at the time says it was someone else. With a drunken grace, he swipes at the table, confirming the identity of the caller.

“Please tell me you have good news,” he slurs.

“I found him, Lu Han,” the caller answers. “I finally found where he is.”

And everything goes black.

 

* * *

 

Lu Han wakes to the smell of coffee assaulting his nose. With a drawn out groan, he forces his eyes open, squinting up at the man holding the cup. The singer reaches out only for the other to pull away.

“This isn’t for you,” he says before nodding towards the bedside table. “You get a tall glass of water and 2 aspirins for all your trouble.”

“You’re cruel,” Lu Han replies.

“After everything you’ve made me do,” the other man scoffs. “You need a new dictionary. The definition of cruel has your name directly under it.”

“Junmyeon, please,” the singer begs. “I’m suffering enough as it is. Just tell me what you know.”

Lu Han chances a look at his companion after several beats of silence. If his hangover made him feel small, Junmyeon’s stare made him feel insignificant. “And like I said,” he says with a sigh, “you need a new dictionary.” He leaves at that.

Lu Han scrambles off the bed, his head protesting with incessant pounding against his temples. If he was going to get the answers he wants, he needs to play by Junmyeon’s rules.

After a year of fruitless efforts to search on his own, he had just enough logic within himself to ask for help. While initially bemused at the chosen career of his long-time friend, he was grateful enough to have that connection. Lu Han was an idol still at the top of his game. If it were anyone else but Junmyeon, availing of private investigation services would have surely led to the doom of his own career.

The two find themselves across from each other at the breakfast table, the singer absentmindedly pushing his food around as the PI recounts the information he was able to find. With every word that leaves Junmyeon’s mouth, Lu Han’s heart plummets further to his stomach. He knew he had plenty to pay for. He just never realized how much.

He listens intently as he hears about a man losing his job, remembering how much said man loved being a teacher. But he supposes that a pregnant, single male wasn’t a good role model for young, impressionable kids.

He finds out how that same man’s parents reached out to offer their help. But while he had a good relationship with his family, he had been too proud to accept their offer. Lu Han recalls how the other’s parents had disapproved of him. They showed nothing but respect for him, but he knew they wanted more for their son.

Junmyeon goes on to talk about that man’s struggles – his pregnancy woes, his financial troubles. Everything. All Lu Han could do was look at his wall, wanting so much to trade all that he had to take that one moment back.

_He sits at the edge of the chair, thumb between his teeth. He was the picture of nerves with only the sound of his breathing and clock ticking as his company. He eyes the table and thinks about how much he went overboard. But he quickly assures himself that it’s fine. They had plenty to celebrate anyway._

_His breath hitches at the beeping sound of their passcode ringing through the otherwise quiet apartment. He stands up, wiping his palms on his jeans, before hurriedly lighting the candles on the cake._

_“Is it someone’s birthday and I forgot about it?”_

_His head snaps up, smile stretching across his face at seeing his boyfriend casually leaning against wall. “Do I need an excuse to have a nice dinner with you?”_

_The singer hums, finger tapping at his chin appearing as if he was in deep thought. “All my favorite food and a red velvet cake. It’s either someone’s birthday or you want something.”_

_The smaller man laughs at hearing the innuendo in his boyfriend’s tone. “Don’t be lewd,” he teases. “I have good news.” He figures there was no reason to stall. They had talked about it every now and then, and he knew it was something both of them wanted. “I’m pregnant,” he beams. “I hadn’t been feeling so well the past few weeks so I finally made an appointment. I thought it was a bad flu, but Doctor Lee ran tests and I’m–”_

_“Get rid of it.”_

His friend’s voice takes him out of his reverie with a start.

“He knows you’ve been looking for him.” Lu Han looks at Junmyeon incredulously, but something in the PI’s gaze told the singer not to question his skills. “He was the one to remind me that we met before,” he says with a shrug. “It was at some college frat party we went to. He remembered we were friends. A two-minute chance meeting from 9 years ago and all my hard work goes down the drain.”

“How did you –, I mean, what,” Lu Han stammers through.

“He sits for an hour at a café halfway between his apartment and the youth center he works at,” Junmyeon replies.

The veteran idol listens to the story intently, nodding and shaking his head along at the right moments. A small smile threatens to break through his lips while the detective details a day much like he knows his former love used to spend with him. Back when things were simpler for both of them.

“I came in 20 minutes later, headed for a table far away, but he rounded on me before I could even sit down.”

“What did he say?”

Junmyeon takes a beat, eyes blinking slowly, jaw clenching in a way Lu Han knew to never be good.

“That I should stop following him around and reporting to you. That what you’re looking for can no longer be found."

 

* * *

 

Lu Han wasn’t exactly known to follow directions properly. Junmyeon may have opted out of helping him any further, but he managed to get enough information to figure a few things out from himself. He needed to see Minseok for himself.

He’d spent weeks tailing his former lover. He’d taken many precautions to not be seen lest he wanted to be found out like Junmyeon. He’s managed some success, catching short glimpses of the other as he came and went about his daily activities. Those moments breathed new life into him, building up his esteem little by little with the hope that he’ll gather enough to finally show his face. Lu Han was stupid but he wasn’t clueless. Given Minseok’s reaction towards having a PI following his every move, the singer knew he had a lot of groveling to do.

He’s been writing every single thing he’s wanted to say. The list grows after every quick moment his eyes manage to catch Minseok. He knew that when the time came, none of it will even make it out of his mouth. He just hoped that whatever did would somehow give him a lifeline, if even just a thin thread.

For now, he wrings his fingers nervously. In the corner booth of the same café Junmyeon spoke about, Lu Han sits across Minseok.

“You never really did play by the rules,” the smaller man says flatly. “Though I guess I’m also a fool for thinking that you’d listen to Junmyeon. Nothing’s changed, I guess.”

So little had been said, but Lu Han knew Minseok was telling him more in the few words he had just spoken. He’s been kicking himself internally ever since his cover was blown. He just wanted to grab a cup of coffee. He had the other’s routine down pat. He wasn’t supposed to show up until the next hour. But as soon as he turned to leave with his drink, there Minseok was at the door.

“You’re a bigger fool if you think this changes anything.”

Lu Han finally looked up at the other’s face, ready to protest. But the look in Minseok’s eyes had words dying at his throat. It was reminiscent of the way Junmyeon had looked at him weeks ago, except his friend’s eyes were somewhat softened with pity. All Lu Han can see from Minseok is nothingness.

“There was a time that you had me believe in forever. That one day, you’ll shout your love at the top of your lungs and make me the happiest man on earth. Four words,” Minseok pauses with a smirk. “That was all it took to break every promise you ever made.”

“I’m–” 

“Sorry?” Minseok scoffs, mouth transforming into a condescending smile. “You’ve been caught more than once too far drunk to even remember your name. You gallivant around as the world’s most eligible bachelor, willing to fuck anything on two legs. Yeah, you’re definitely one sorry son of a bitch.”

Years ago, Lu Han would have laughed at the face of anyone who told him Minseok could curse. He had always been sweet and polite, often childlike, and shied away from speaking vulgarities of any kind. The venom in his words spoke of no laughing matter, however.

“If you’ve come to beg for forgiveness, you’re wasting your time,” Minseok continues. “I already told Junmyeon and I’m telling you again now. What you’re looking for doesn’t exist. Not anymore.”

 

* * *

 

“Are you out of your mind?”

Lu Han wondered how many times Baekhyun will keep asking that question. Perhaps he was, perhaps he wasn’t. As soon as he made up his mind, he knew his decision wasn’t going to be seen well in the company.

“You’re still at the top of your game,” his manager said exasperatedly. “Yes, we’ve been drilling you to clean up your antics, but quitting isn’t go to solve anything.”

“I’m not leaving,” the singer tries to explain, “just going on a hiatus.”

“A hiatus that will have your fans, the media, and their mothers will see as us trying to punish you.”

“Then we’ll have a press conference and I’ll clear it up. That I made this decision on my own. I’ll be taking time off to reflect and come back even better.”

Baekhyun lets out a tired sigh in response. “If this is about Minseok–”

“How did you–”

Kohl-lined eyes fix Lu Han with a stern look. “You forget that you and I have been in this together ever since you signed on with the company. I knew the boy you were back then, and I know the sad excuse of a human you are now. I can pinpoint exactly when things changed.” Baekhyun rubs at his temples in exasperation. “Look,” he starts, “I don’t know what happened between the two of you and I don’t think I want to know or I’d probably kill you for it.”

Lu Han’s eyes widen. He had almost forgotten the fact that his manager had always been quite fond of Minseok. He listens to Baekhyun as he recounts the singer’s own love story as someone on the outside, expression turning wistful at every memory they’ve made.

“He surprised me with news before that first tour and I panicked,” Lu Han interjects.

“What did you do?”

“I got him pregnant,” Lu Han confesses, his eyes downcast, too afraid to meet the other’s gaze. “I told him to lose it.”

“I hope you know that it will take more than going on a hiatus to make things better,” Baekhyun somberly says after several beats. “Knowing Minseok, he kept the kid. And he’ll be protecting that little one even harder than he’s ever protected you. If, by some miracle, he lets you back in his life, how do you plan on explaining the ready-made family you just found?”

“What?”

“Don’t forget who you are, Lu Han. You’ve been in the spotlight too long and people will try to unearth everything about you and who you associate with, whether with good or bad intentions. Do you really want to put Minseok through that?”

 

* * *

 

_Dear Minseok,_

_I know you’ll probably think of me as a coward for writing a letter instead of a facing you. But I thought this was the better option because I can at least say the things I want before I lose the courage again._

_I’m sorry. I know it won’t change anything but you deserve to have that at the very least. I wanted so much to find you and tell you that face to face, but I was selfish again and not once thought about how you would feel. I went ahead of myself and deluded myself into thinking that everything will fall into place like I want. That nothing I ever did to you and whatever it is I did after you left would matter as soon as I found you._

_I heard from Junmyeon about all the hardships you went through because of me. Baekhyun has reminded me of all the sacrifices you’ve made for me. I was selfish. I still am selfish for even thinking I can have you in my life again. And I want to stop being selfish._

_This is the last you’ll hear from me, at least for now. I don’t want to put you or anyone else at any risk that comes with knowing me. It’s a step towards not being selfish, that you be above everything else this time, right? Maybe one day, when I think I’ve become the person worthy of being in front of you, I’ll see you again. Then maybe we can work towards building a friendship, or you can tell me I need more time to reflect, and I’ll try again._

_I won’t promise to get everything right, but I promise to do my best. You deserve that much. I don’t know how long it will take to gather the confidence to stand in front of you again. I’m not even sure if that time will come at all. Whatever happens, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. But more than anything, I hope you are happy._

_I’m sorry. I love you._

_Lu Han_

He wanders and he wonders. How long has it been since things went wrong? What’s changed since then? Is it enough?

He doesn’t realize where he is until he’s sat in a corner booth, rubbing sweaty palms up and down his jean-clad thighs. His eyes flash to the door as the bell above it chimes, a small body pushing against it.

“Bye Mr. Do! Thank you for dropping me off! I’ll see you at school tomorrow!”

“Can you hear all the exclamation points in that?” his companion asks. “He’s always been a cheerful one.” 

“Hello!” the little boy, perhaps no older than five years old, sidles up to the booth, eyes warily moving between the occupants. “Is he your friend?”

“Yours too, if you want him to be,” his companion replies.

“What’s your name, mister?”

“My name is Lu Han, what’s yours?”

“Oh?”

The former singer tilts his head at the boy’s tone, giving the other man a side glance in question.

“My name’s Hansol, Lu Hansol!” the boy chirps happily. “You have my baba’s name! Daddy’s been waiting for you for a long time!”


End file.
